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Make Pies, Not War: License to Carry

(Police squad car pulls over a car with a broken tail light. The two officers address the driver of the car.)

“Did I do something wrong, officer?”

“Broken tail light.”

“Just happened, officer, in the parking lot at the Lucky store.”

“License and registration, please.”

“Got to get them out, officer. In my wallet.”

“Got anything else in here that I should know about?”

“I got a pie, officer.”

“He’s got a pie!”

“ Just a small one, officer.”

“Do you have a permit for that pie?

“Why, yes I do, officer.”

“Let me see it.”

“Here it is.”

“Keep your hands on the steering wheel. Where’s the pie?”

“In the glove compartment, officer.”

“How the hell do you…? Go find the pie.”

“Here it is.”

“What flavor?”

“Looks like blueberry.”

“It’s actually blackberry, officer.”

“I can see it’s blackberry. Where’d you get this pie?”

“At the pie show, officer."

“You got any more pies?”

“Not with me officer. But back home in the freezer. I’m a collector.”

“You know how to use this pie?”

“Oh yes, officer, I took classes and I go out to the pie range to practice.”

“Search the trunk.”

“There’s groceries in here.”

“And where do you store all your pies?”

“In a freezer, officer, I told you.”

“But is it a locked freezer? Kids in your home?”

“Yes, officer.”

“Do you keep the ammunition in a separate place from the pies?”

“Excuse me?”

“The forks.”

“They’re in a drawer.”

“Safety lock on that drawer?”

“Only when I’m on a diet. Officer.”

“Childhood obesity is a growing problem in our country. Think about getting that drawer locked.”

“I will, officer. Is there anything else, officer?”

“Mind if we check out those groceries?”

“Go ahead, officer.”

“What’s in there?”

“Whoa! We got bags of flour, sugar, butter, shortening, some spices, eggs, frozen blueberries, geez there’s a lot of those.”

“Planning on making some more pies?”

“I’m a hobbyist, officer, I make my own and I buy some.“

“Are you assembling some sort of pie arsenal?”

“No, officer, mostly I give these away.”

“Are you a terrorist?”

“A pie terrorist? I don’t see how those two words can possibly go together.”

“Are you part of a secret cell set upon causing widespread social havoc?”

“No, it’s just the opposite.”

“What’s that new gang we heard about last week in that training?”

“ ‘Peace of the Pie.’ ”


“They cut the peace sign into their top crusts.”

“Check this pie out. Do you see it?”


“Get this pie on video. No telling what’s going to happen to this pie in the next few minutes.”

“Hey, how about I just give you this pie? Officer.”

“They teach you that at the pie range?”

“Yeah, they do. Want to see my qualification targets?”

“I don’t believe it. Show me.”

(Driver takes out paper qualification target; shows outline of human offering a pie to another human; a cluster of cute red hearts are scattered across the chests and heads of the two human outlines.)

“Look at that – bullseyes! You’ve been working at this a while.”

“I’ve been thinking I might open up my own range.”

“That would explain all the frozen blueberries.”

“Do you think you guys might come over and practice some?”

“You provide ear and eye protection?”

“Just napkins.”


“Look, just take this pie as a free sample of our new range services. It’s on the house.”

“You think this might look like a kick-back?”

“Nah. Pies are the new doughnuts.” (Uses fingers to scoop out some pie into his mouth.)

“Am I free to go, officer?”


“Thank you, officer. Looks like I just scored another bullseye. (Drives off.) Peace-out, everybody!”

(not) The End (but maybe) The Beginning

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